Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just want nice things and good sex
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
