I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
