It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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