Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
