I think I won the penis lottery.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
