If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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