really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
