I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you traded sex for a burrito?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
