my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
