I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
So squirting runs in the family.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
