How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
