is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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