Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
