I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
