im drinking this country out of the recession.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
