Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
