I saw his package. It spoke to me.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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