We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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