I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
