There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
