I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
