i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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