Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I need to calm my uterus...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
