That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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