You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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