Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
