have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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