You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
