nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
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I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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