It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you never un-have a 4some
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
