Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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