I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
