Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
