i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
