grandma shit on top of the toilet
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Small penises have feelings too.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
