sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
