when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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