So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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