pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
