Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
