i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
