Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
