Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I woke up under a house in Key West
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