it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
