Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
