It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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