worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We need to get me chipped asap
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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