is your mom at the bar?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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