Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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