I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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