when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
