i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They took my balls.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
