Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
