In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
