i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
