i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
