He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
