bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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